"To admit and then let go of anger (and other strong negative feelings) is to find life, a day at a time." Jan Johnson.
I struggle with surrender, with trust.
Sometimes it feels too difficult to admit, to confront, to work through.
Talk it out with a friend
Journal about it
Take a walk
So many ways to work through that don't hurt anyone else including myself, and yet....
I've been told that depression is anger turned inward.
It is in part.
For me, it's all about numbness, not wanting to feel hunger for retribution, or communication, or change.
Release, surrender to you, be free
I used to think I wasn't angry.
I do get angry.
At loss
At death
At injustices
At the difference between where I am vs where I wanted to be
At my children and husband
At situations
At evil and fraud
At my best counselors
Surrender to you
Sin desires to have me, but I must master it - surrender it to God.
Is the opposite of anger - joy - seeing it, seeking it, feeling it? Depression squashes all into a small dark, tired place. And it's scary to awaken, to feel, to rest and surrender.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Goals
I have had the same goal for some years now. To lose a bunch of weight - like 30-40 pounds. And it is still not done....so I have just over a year to the big 40. I don't want weight loss to be the focus.
http://www.pattidigh.com/ Patti Digh asks "What would I be doing if I only had 37 days left to live?" My answers really do not include dieting. None of us does know how much time we have left. And while I'm not worried about how much time I have left, this year I have been privileged to witness a couple of heroic women and their days of living the best they could until cancer overtook their lives. It does make me think about goals, about what kind of legacy I want to leave for my children. My number one role in my life indeed is mother.
Goals are supposed to be specific, measurable and realistic. If I lost 1 pound per week this year, mindfully eating...I could be there to the weight loss goal and perhaps without too much extra focus diverted there. So, how to make this related to my number one goal? To live healthier, be a better example of health for my children.
The reasons why I have not accomplished this "healthy" body, includes my mental health and childbearing weight. Ultimately it's because I have not taken responsibility. I prefer not to examine my own defects of character I have to take responsibility for what goes into my mouth, for getting up and exercising, for compulsive overeating, my short fuse and laziness.
Dave Frahm http://www.healthquarters.org/ says that good health (inside and out) requires work, commitment, common sense, working knowledge and support...and making changes and practicing self discipline. He goes on to say that "It's (my) body. (I'm) in charge of the war effort. Everyone else is hired help. (Am I) ready to do what it takes?"
So, yes. I am hungry at this time to take this mid-life journey of health and focus.
Okay, so here it is specific measurable goals (Behavior goals - not just lose 30 pounds):
I would like a goal to be to get support - and yet, I find it difficult to ask here. Husband would be as supportive as he is able...I don't know, I feel so much "failure" in surrendering hunger over the years that I want to suceed and keep it between God and I. Hmmm think on this. Maybe http://www.uvm.edu/vtrim/ which was recommended by http://www.eatingwell.com/ and ultimately, I want to take my hunger right to the Lord.
http://www.pattidigh.com/ Patti Digh asks "What would I be doing if I only had 37 days left to live?" My answers really do not include dieting. None of us does know how much time we have left. And while I'm not worried about how much time I have left, this year I have been privileged to witness a couple of heroic women and their days of living the best they could until cancer overtook their lives. It does make me think about goals, about what kind of legacy I want to leave for my children. My number one role in my life indeed is mother.
Goals are supposed to be specific, measurable and realistic. If I lost 1 pound per week this year, mindfully eating...I could be there to the weight loss goal and perhaps without too much extra focus diverted there. So, how to make this related to my number one goal? To live healthier, be a better example of health for my children.
The reasons why I have not accomplished this "healthy" body, includes my mental health and childbearing weight. Ultimately it's because I have not taken responsibility. I prefer not to examine my own defects of character I have to take responsibility for what goes into my mouth, for getting up and exercising, for compulsive overeating, my short fuse and laziness.
Dave Frahm http://www.healthquarters.org/ says that good health (inside and out) requires work, commitment, common sense, working knowledge and support...and making changes and practicing self discipline. He goes on to say that "It's (my) body. (I'm) in charge of the war effort. Everyone else is hired help. (Am I) ready to do what it takes?"
So, yes. I am hungry at this time to take this mid-life journey of health and focus.
Okay, so here it is specific measurable goals (Behavior goals - not just lose 30 pounds):
- To say "yes" more than no to my children.
- To agree with all those who say that it's like the oxygen on an airplane - if I take care of myself first, I will be more able to take care of others.
- A goal of 1300-1600 daily average calories would get me there.
- To keep track...I wonder how many months I have left on http://www.calorieking.com/ It was recommended to me by a nutritionist last summer (?)...and I certainly have not used it as I should.
- Plan more of my eating in order to think less about it. More on that later. Time for me to try out http://www.kitchenmonki.com/?
- Move more - http://www.jazzercise.com/ Year 2 for me.
I would like a goal to be to get support - and yet, I find it difficult to ask here. Husband would be as supportive as he is able...I don't know, I feel so much "failure" in surrendering hunger over the years that I want to suceed and keep it between God and I. Hmmm think on this. Maybe http://www.uvm.edu/vtrim/ which was recommended by http://www.eatingwell.com/ and ultimately, I want to take my hunger right to the Lord.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
How Many? Always Hungry.
I'm looking at the first daily message from Jan Johnson. My mom gave me this book 15 years ago and I wonder at the heart of it if I changed in that time? I've tried to give it away a few times, but it's always been given back to me!
How many years. How many books. How many websites...blogs, online programs. How many diets and conversations. Desires but not actions. Starts without finishing strong. Broken relationships. Working through things is not a quick process.
I recently picked up another book on self improvement in 6 weeks. Written by a mom of 7. As a mom of 3, I found I did not have the wherewithall to make it past the first day's suggestion before it was due back at the library. So I praise that the other mom has been blessed in those ways, but am still hungry for what she "seems" to have accomplished.
We work on issues daily, several times a day.
Strength, hope, spiritual awakening, a meaningful life, joy, freedom - Hungry
Safety, security, trust, freedom - Hungry
Hunger for more has been a problem since the beginning.
Am I loved as I am? I'm hungry.
Am I valued in spite of my lack to control clutter in my home? I'm hungry.
In spite of my not losing the baby weight from 4 years ago or so? I'm hungry
Do my friends love my outward actions or my inward protected soft self? I'm hungry.
No one can portray unconditional love -but God - and as I was discussing with a friend earlier this week, why do I not turn to Him knowing this? Why do I look to food? To my husband? to friends? To activities? Hungry
Jan says that part of recovery is knowing God better, finding out what He is really like.
Is the core issue trust? Or in this life are we always supposed to be somewhat hungry?
http://www.janjohnson.org/
How many years. How many books. How many websites...blogs, online programs. How many diets and conversations. Desires but not actions. Starts without finishing strong. Broken relationships. Working through things is not a quick process.
I recently picked up another book on self improvement in 6 weeks. Written by a mom of 7. As a mom of 3, I found I did not have the wherewithall to make it past the first day's suggestion before it was due back at the library. So I praise that the other mom has been blessed in those ways, but am still hungry for what she "seems" to have accomplished.
We work on issues daily, several times a day.
Strength, hope, spiritual awakening, a meaningful life, joy, freedom - Hungry
Safety, security, trust, freedom - Hungry
Hunger for more has been a problem since the beginning.
Am I loved as I am? I'm hungry.
Am I valued in spite of my lack to control clutter in my home? I'm hungry.
In spite of my not losing the baby weight from 4 years ago or so? I'm hungry
Do my friends love my outward actions or my inward protected soft self? I'm hungry.
No one can portray unconditional love -but God - and as I was discussing with a friend earlier this week, why do I not turn to Him knowing this? Why do I look to food? To my husband? to friends? To activities? Hungry
Jan says that part of recovery is knowing God better, finding out what He is really like.
Is the core issue trust? Or in this life are we always supposed to be somewhat hungry?
http://www.janjohnson.org/
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