I find I need witnesses to stay accountible - even more when I want to hide. What a gift friendships are and yet other times, how difficult they are to maintain.
Friends are are witnesses of what we commit to do - and where we fail.
I need to promise them, to take the leap to reveal myself more to them - so they can help me to pray, to make amends to surrender. Their presense in my life should remind me of where I need to be to be to continue to grow.
It takes strength to use accountability.
And we know that where two are more are gathered...
And a rope of three strands is stronger
And also that people will let us down
And that everything we need for life and godliness is in scripture (Peter 1:3)
But when we fall, these friends can forgive me and help me begin again.
I do struggle with allowing friends to see "ME" I find it more and more challenging to develop friendships beyond casual level - even with my husband in a sense. We know each other, but it continues to be a challenge to go deeply.
Surrender to accountability, to teamwork, to friendships and to witnesses...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sad News and surrender
We don't seem to ever want to surrender life to the afterlife. We grieve and feel the loss of the person in our lives while attempting to change it to celebration that we were together on the road for the time we were.
I am hungering for these people - missing them before they are even gone.
One now in bed, with hospice - pain medications taking her in and out of consciousness. Watching her family come in from across the country to say good-bye. There are even times for reconciliations.
One closer to our family, even...getting older. You don't reach this age without realizing that there may not be many years left. Surgery on Monday with Intensive Care to follow and prayerful weeks of healing, if all goes well.
I grieve already and find myself dying of thirst - in part because I forget to seek the living water that quenches all thirst. In part because I forget to drink it.
"I am more than partly at fault for how I feel, for my eating disorder - I have isolated, I have tried to work it out on my own; I have misled others about my problem" I am guilty. Jan Johnson
So here today in the midst of worry and grieving _ I find myself seeking fullness and satisfaction.
Trying to remember that God takes care of me even when I mess up. Even though I am guilty, God can rescue me. God can fill me up. He loves me because He's faithful, not beause I am innocent.
God - please fill me up these days to overflowing that I might be your vessel of comfort and hope in you to all I touch. Keep me focused on the tasks that you have for me.
I am hungering for these people - missing them before they are even gone.
One now in bed, with hospice - pain medications taking her in and out of consciousness. Watching her family come in from across the country to say good-bye. There are even times for reconciliations.
One closer to our family, even...getting older. You don't reach this age without realizing that there may not be many years left. Surgery on Monday with Intensive Care to follow and prayerful weeks of healing, if all goes well.
I grieve already and find myself dying of thirst - in part because I forget to seek the living water that quenches all thirst. In part because I forget to drink it.
"I am more than partly at fault for how I feel, for my eating disorder - I have isolated, I have tried to work it out on my own; I have misled others about my problem" I am guilty. Jan Johnson
So here today in the midst of worry and grieving _ I find myself seeking fullness and satisfaction.
Trying to remember that God takes care of me even when I mess up. Even though I am guilty, God can rescue me. God can fill me up. He loves me because He's faithful, not beause I am innocent.
God - please fill me up these days to overflowing that I might be your vessel of comfort and hope in you to all I touch. Keep me focused on the tasks that you have for me.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Surrendering Shortcuts
What are the groundrules?
What shortcuts are okay?
Often I have taken the long way around...
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/ reminded me that our hearts are idol makers - always seeking to other than God. We turn to producing Ishmael or to Egypt to give us a shortcut.
I have eaten to manage pain, to feel better - not a healthy way to live.
I benefit from walking this path however - healthy ways to relate to God, others and myself.
Daily I must surrender the shortcuts I want to take - I mean the ones that are not true shortcuts, the ones that only look like short cuts but are actually "longcuts." My dad used to occasionally take us on drives and he was always exploring the "long-cuts." Sometimes it was pleasant, but often it was four kids crammed together in a car and driving where it was rural...through towns with no public amenities, just a change of speed limit, but I'm sure must have great character if I returned to them as an adult.
And yet, I can also see that I did not appreciate the long-cuts for what they were. Surrendering to the will of the road. Taking the path you were on no matter how it curved until eventually we returned home - hungry again.
Today, I attempted to talk to young teens about healthy ways to deal with life, the promises they were about to make as they were planning to enter into church membership. I wanted to actually dialogue, but only had time for teaching. I wished we could have found our way around to a good longcut - but by 10:30 we were starting to run over.
We make such serious promises and then forget them as we seek the short cuts. It's time to look at vows I've made in my lifetime and re-evaluate as part of the stage of life I am in.
So today, I enjoy the long way around. An extra trip to get a forgotten item. A quiet time. But at the same time, I surrender both the longcuts and the short cuts to be present in both.
Note to self - yet another start - return to this...
What shortcuts are okay?
Often I have taken the long way around...
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/ reminded me that our hearts are idol makers - always seeking to other than God. We turn to producing Ishmael or to Egypt to give us a shortcut.
I have eaten to manage pain, to feel better - not a healthy way to live.
I benefit from walking this path however - healthy ways to relate to God, others and myself.
Daily I must surrender the shortcuts I want to take - I mean the ones that are not true shortcuts, the ones that only look like short cuts but are actually "longcuts." My dad used to occasionally take us on drives and he was always exploring the "long-cuts." Sometimes it was pleasant, but often it was four kids crammed together in a car and driving where it was rural...through towns with no public amenities, just a change of speed limit, but I'm sure must have great character if I returned to them as an adult.
And yet, I can also see that I did not appreciate the long-cuts for what they were. Surrendering to the will of the road. Taking the path you were on no matter how it curved until eventually we returned home - hungry again.
Today, I attempted to talk to young teens about healthy ways to deal with life, the promises they were about to make as they were planning to enter into church membership. I wanted to actually dialogue, but only had time for teaching. I wished we could have found our way around to a good longcut - but by 10:30 we were starting to run over.
We make such serious promises and then forget them as we seek the short cuts. It's time to look at vows I've made in my lifetime and re-evaluate as part of the stage of life I am in.
So today, I enjoy the long way around. An extra trip to get a forgotten item. A quiet time. But at the same time, I surrender both the longcuts and the short cuts to be present in both.
Note to self - yet another start - return to this...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
then all peoples on earth will be blessed through you
Yes, I need to look at myself - and oh, I have, and do, over and over
But also beyond myself - though sometimes, I just want to stay in my safe bubble - why be safe if you are living without knowing how numbered the days are?
I am put on earth to benefit other people - this could be on large and small scales
Have my prayers been please to relieve my neediness instead of how I can follow God's will?
Have I been praying, truly praying?
Surrender what is not necessary to rediscover God's purposes for life. Get needs met in healthy ways. Be free after surrender to care about others.
Based on Day 4 from Jan Johnson's Surrendering Hunger
Today, I went to a scrapbook event and the kids were with a babysitter. I was not ready to scrapbook, but had my Grandma's bread pudding and lemon sauce ready to go. So, I brought thank you notes that needed writing, projects to finish, studying to do. All the food was delicious, but more than that, the conversation was delicious. It was uninterrupted. It was talking for 30 minutes or more without worrying that nothing was getting finished. It was fellowship and met needs - both for me and those with whom I conversed.
I surrendered to the moment, to the conversations and it was great to care about others.
So much of life as a mother is caring for others, that it's easy to forget to care about them and be a student of their needs. Tonight, I surrender myself to enjoyment of my family. To fellowship with them with the same emotion and interest as I did with the women that fed me earlier.
But also beyond myself - though sometimes, I just want to stay in my safe bubble - why be safe if you are living without knowing how numbered the days are?
I am put on earth to benefit other people - this could be on large and small scales
Have my prayers been please to relieve my neediness instead of how I can follow God's will?
Have I been praying, truly praying?
Surrender what is not necessary to rediscover God's purposes for life. Get needs met in healthy ways. Be free after surrender to care about others.
Based on Day 4 from Jan Johnson's Surrendering Hunger
Today, I went to a scrapbook event and the kids were with a babysitter. I was not ready to scrapbook, but had my Grandma's bread pudding and lemon sauce ready to go. So, I brought thank you notes that needed writing, projects to finish, studying to do. All the food was delicious, but more than that, the conversation was delicious. It was uninterrupted. It was talking for 30 minutes or more without worrying that nothing was getting finished. It was fellowship and met needs - both for me and those with whom I conversed.
I surrendered to the moment, to the conversations and it was great to care about others.
So much of life as a mother is caring for others, that it's easy to forget to care about them and be a student of their needs. Tonight, I surrender myself to enjoyment of my family. To fellowship with them with the same emotion and interest as I did with the women that fed me earlier.
Friday, January 14, 2011
surrendering anger
"To admit and then let go of anger (and other strong negative feelings) is to find life, a day at a time." Jan Johnson.
I struggle with surrender, with trust.
Sometimes it feels too difficult to admit, to confront, to work through.
Talk it out with a friend
Journal about it
Take a walk
So many ways to work through that don't hurt anyone else including myself, and yet....
I've been told that depression is anger turned inward.
It is in part.
For me, it's all about numbness, not wanting to feel hunger for retribution, or communication, or change.
Release, surrender to you, be free
I used to think I wasn't angry.
I do get angry.
At loss
At death
At injustices
At the difference between where I am vs where I wanted to be
At my children and husband
At situations
At evil and fraud
At my best counselors
Surrender to you
Sin desires to have me, but I must master it - surrender it to God.
Is the opposite of anger - joy - seeing it, seeking it, feeling it? Depression squashes all into a small dark, tired place. And it's scary to awaken, to feel, to rest and surrender.
I struggle with surrender, with trust.
Sometimes it feels too difficult to admit, to confront, to work through.
Talk it out with a friend
Journal about it
Take a walk
So many ways to work through that don't hurt anyone else including myself, and yet....
I've been told that depression is anger turned inward.
It is in part.
For me, it's all about numbness, not wanting to feel hunger for retribution, or communication, or change.
Release, surrender to you, be free
I used to think I wasn't angry.
I do get angry.
At loss
At death
At injustices
At the difference between where I am vs where I wanted to be
At my children and husband
At situations
At evil and fraud
At my best counselors
Surrender to you
Sin desires to have me, but I must master it - surrender it to God.
Is the opposite of anger - joy - seeing it, seeking it, feeling it? Depression squashes all into a small dark, tired place. And it's scary to awaken, to feel, to rest and surrender.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Goals
I have had the same goal for some years now. To lose a bunch of weight - like 30-40 pounds. And it is still not done....so I have just over a year to the big 40. I don't want weight loss to be the focus.
http://www.pattidigh.com/ Patti Digh asks "What would I be doing if I only had 37 days left to live?" My answers really do not include dieting. None of us does know how much time we have left. And while I'm not worried about how much time I have left, this year I have been privileged to witness a couple of heroic women and their days of living the best they could until cancer overtook their lives. It does make me think about goals, about what kind of legacy I want to leave for my children. My number one role in my life indeed is mother.
Goals are supposed to be specific, measurable and realistic. If I lost 1 pound per week this year, mindfully eating...I could be there to the weight loss goal and perhaps without too much extra focus diverted there. So, how to make this related to my number one goal? To live healthier, be a better example of health for my children.
The reasons why I have not accomplished this "healthy" body, includes my mental health and childbearing weight. Ultimately it's because I have not taken responsibility. I prefer not to examine my own defects of character I have to take responsibility for what goes into my mouth, for getting up and exercising, for compulsive overeating, my short fuse and laziness.
Dave Frahm http://www.healthquarters.org/ says that good health (inside and out) requires work, commitment, common sense, working knowledge and support...and making changes and practicing self discipline. He goes on to say that "It's (my) body. (I'm) in charge of the war effort. Everyone else is hired help. (Am I) ready to do what it takes?"
So, yes. I am hungry at this time to take this mid-life journey of health and focus.
Okay, so here it is specific measurable goals (Behavior goals - not just lose 30 pounds):
I would like a goal to be to get support - and yet, I find it difficult to ask here. Husband would be as supportive as he is able...I don't know, I feel so much "failure" in surrendering hunger over the years that I want to suceed and keep it between God and I. Hmmm think on this. Maybe http://www.uvm.edu/vtrim/ which was recommended by http://www.eatingwell.com/ and ultimately, I want to take my hunger right to the Lord.
http://www.pattidigh.com/ Patti Digh asks "What would I be doing if I only had 37 days left to live?" My answers really do not include dieting. None of us does know how much time we have left. And while I'm not worried about how much time I have left, this year I have been privileged to witness a couple of heroic women and their days of living the best they could until cancer overtook their lives. It does make me think about goals, about what kind of legacy I want to leave for my children. My number one role in my life indeed is mother.
Goals are supposed to be specific, measurable and realistic. If I lost 1 pound per week this year, mindfully eating...I could be there to the weight loss goal and perhaps without too much extra focus diverted there. So, how to make this related to my number one goal? To live healthier, be a better example of health for my children.
The reasons why I have not accomplished this "healthy" body, includes my mental health and childbearing weight. Ultimately it's because I have not taken responsibility. I prefer not to examine my own defects of character I have to take responsibility for what goes into my mouth, for getting up and exercising, for compulsive overeating, my short fuse and laziness.
Dave Frahm http://www.healthquarters.org/ says that good health (inside and out) requires work, commitment, common sense, working knowledge and support...and making changes and practicing self discipline. He goes on to say that "It's (my) body. (I'm) in charge of the war effort. Everyone else is hired help. (Am I) ready to do what it takes?"
So, yes. I am hungry at this time to take this mid-life journey of health and focus.
Okay, so here it is specific measurable goals (Behavior goals - not just lose 30 pounds):
- To say "yes" more than no to my children.
- To agree with all those who say that it's like the oxygen on an airplane - if I take care of myself first, I will be more able to take care of others.
- A goal of 1300-1600 daily average calories would get me there.
- To keep track...I wonder how many months I have left on http://www.calorieking.com/ It was recommended to me by a nutritionist last summer (?)...and I certainly have not used it as I should.
- Plan more of my eating in order to think less about it. More on that later. Time for me to try out http://www.kitchenmonki.com/?
- Move more - http://www.jazzercise.com/ Year 2 for me.
I would like a goal to be to get support - and yet, I find it difficult to ask here. Husband would be as supportive as he is able...I don't know, I feel so much "failure" in surrendering hunger over the years that I want to suceed and keep it between God and I. Hmmm think on this. Maybe http://www.uvm.edu/vtrim/ which was recommended by http://www.eatingwell.com/ and ultimately, I want to take my hunger right to the Lord.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
How Many? Always Hungry.
I'm looking at the first daily message from Jan Johnson. My mom gave me this book 15 years ago and I wonder at the heart of it if I changed in that time? I've tried to give it away a few times, but it's always been given back to me!
How many years. How many books. How many websites...blogs, online programs. How many diets and conversations. Desires but not actions. Starts without finishing strong. Broken relationships. Working through things is not a quick process.
I recently picked up another book on self improvement in 6 weeks. Written by a mom of 7. As a mom of 3, I found I did not have the wherewithall to make it past the first day's suggestion before it was due back at the library. So I praise that the other mom has been blessed in those ways, but am still hungry for what she "seems" to have accomplished.
We work on issues daily, several times a day.
Strength, hope, spiritual awakening, a meaningful life, joy, freedom - Hungry
Safety, security, trust, freedom - Hungry
Hunger for more has been a problem since the beginning.
Am I loved as I am? I'm hungry.
Am I valued in spite of my lack to control clutter in my home? I'm hungry.
In spite of my not losing the baby weight from 4 years ago or so? I'm hungry
Do my friends love my outward actions or my inward protected soft self? I'm hungry.
No one can portray unconditional love -but God - and as I was discussing with a friend earlier this week, why do I not turn to Him knowing this? Why do I look to food? To my husband? to friends? To activities? Hungry
Jan says that part of recovery is knowing God better, finding out what He is really like.
Is the core issue trust? Or in this life are we always supposed to be somewhat hungry?
http://www.janjohnson.org/
How many years. How many books. How many websites...blogs, online programs. How many diets and conversations. Desires but not actions. Starts without finishing strong. Broken relationships. Working through things is not a quick process.
I recently picked up another book on self improvement in 6 weeks. Written by a mom of 7. As a mom of 3, I found I did not have the wherewithall to make it past the first day's suggestion before it was due back at the library. So I praise that the other mom has been blessed in those ways, but am still hungry for what she "seems" to have accomplished.
We work on issues daily, several times a day.
Strength, hope, spiritual awakening, a meaningful life, joy, freedom - Hungry
Safety, security, trust, freedom - Hungry
Hunger for more has been a problem since the beginning.
Am I loved as I am? I'm hungry.
Am I valued in spite of my lack to control clutter in my home? I'm hungry.
In spite of my not losing the baby weight from 4 years ago or so? I'm hungry
Do my friends love my outward actions or my inward protected soft self? I'm hungry.
No one can portray unconditional love -but God - and as I was discussing with a friend earlier this week, why do I not turn to Him knowing this? Why do I look to food? To my husband? to friends? To activities? Hungry
Jan says that part of recovery is knowing God better, finding out what He is really like.
Is the core issue trust? Or in this life are we always supposed to be somewhat hungry?
http://www.janjohnson.org/
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