beginning again every day

Regret Reduction

Battle wounds as signs of seasoning
acquiring wisdom

I have done disservice to my body
I do limp
But I do not need to regret

Paid for   Already Paid for

How much more damaged if I don't recover or wake up

Surrender to God attempts to win all wrestling matches

Day 7 Jan Johnson



Paid FOR
I did not pay it all
Though I bear being overweight
Though I'm continuuing to find equanimity
and release from depression
I do not truly pay

Let go lost seasons and years
Take this moment to be present
This moment to let regret go out with the tide and never return
Surrender regret
Focus on action
On this moment and what is good in it

To be a better example for my children
To be a better wife
To not be afraid

falling away

For me it seems so easy
to fall away

to not engage
to take a step back

to fear success as well as failure
yet be uncomfortable where I am now.

Fall away

Time to stop and make a snow angel and pick myself up for another day.

reminders and witnesses

I find I need witnesses to stay accountible - even more when I want to hide.  What a gift friendships are and yet other times, how difficult they are to maintain.

Friends are are witnesses of what we commit to do - and where we fail.
I need to promise them, to take the leap to reveal myself more to them - so they can help me to pray, to make amends to surrender.  Their presense in my life should remind me of where I need to be to be to continue to grow.

It takes strength to use accountability.

And we know that where two are more are gathered...
And a rope of three strands is stronger

And also that people will let us down
And that everything we need for life and godliness is in scripture (Peter 1:3)

But when we fall, these friends can forgive me and help me begin again.

I do struggle with allowing friends to see "ME"   I find it more and more challenging to develop friendships beyond casual level - even with my husband in a sense.  We know each other, but it continues to be a challenge to go deeply.

Surrender to accountability, to teamwork, to friendships and  to witnesses...

Sad News and surrender

We don't seem to ever want to surrender life to the afterlife.  We grieve and feel the loss of the person in our lives while attempting to change it to celebration that we were together on the road for the time we were.

I am hungering for these people - missing them before they are even gone.
One now in bed, with hospice - pain medications taking her in and out of consciousness.  Watching her family come in from across the country to say good-bye.  There are even times for reconciliations.

One closer to our family, even...getting older.  You don't reach this age without realizing that there may not be many years left.   Surgery on Monday with Intensive Care to follow and prayerful weeks of healing, if all goes well.

I grieve already and find myself dying of thirst - in part because I forget to seek the living water that quenches all thirst.  In part because I forget to drink it.

"I am more than partly at fault for how I feel, for my eating disorder - I have isolated, I have tried to work it out on my own; I have misled others about my problem"  I am guilty.    Jan Johnson
So here today in the midst of worry and grieving _ I find myself seeking fullness and satisfaction.

Trying to remember that God takes care of me even when I mess up.   Even though I am guilty, God can rescue me.  God can fill me up.  He loves me because He's faithful, not beause I am innocent.

God - please fill me up these days to overflowing that I might be your vessel of comfort and hope in you to all I touch.  Keep me focused on the tasks that you have for me.

Surrendering Shortcuts

What are the groundrules? 
What shortcuts are okay?

Often I have taken the long way around...

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/ reminded me that our hearts are idol makers - always seeking to other than God.  We turn to producing Ishmael or to Egypt to give us a shortcut. 

I have eaten to manage pain, to feel better - not a healthy way to live.

I benefit from walking this path however - healthy ways to relate to God, others and myself.

Daily I must surrender the shortcuts I want to take - I mean the ones that are not true shortcuts, the ones that only look like short cuts but are actually "longcuts."   My dad used to occasionally take us on drives and he was always exploring the "long-cuts."  Sometimes it was pleasant, but often it was four kids crammed together in a car and driving where it was rural...through towns with no public amenities, just a change of speed limit, but I'm sure must have great character if I returned to them as an adult.

And yet, I can also see that I did not appreciate the long-cuts for what they were.  Surrendering to the will of the road.  Taking the path you were on no matter how it curved until eventually we returned home - hungry again.

Today, I attempted to talk to young teens about healthy ways to deal with life, the promises they were about to make as they were planning to enter into church membership.  I wanted to actually dialogue, but only had time for teaching.  I wished we could have found our way around to a good longcut - but by 10:30 we were starting to run over.  

We make such serious promises and then forget them as we seek the short cuts.  It's time to look at vows I've made in my lifetime and re-evaluate as part of the stage of life I am in. 

So today, I enjoy the long way around.  An extra trip to get a forgotten item.   A quiet time.  But at the same time, I surrender both the longcuts and the short cuts to be present in both.


Note to self - yet another start - return to this...

then all peoples on earth will be blessed through you

Yes, I need to look at myself - and oh, I have, and do, over and over
But also beyond myself - though sometimes, I just want to stay in my safe bubble - why be safe if you are living without knowing how numbered the days are?

I am put on earth to benefit other people   - this could be on large and small scales

Have my prayers been please to relieve my neediness instead of how I can follow God's will?

Have I been praying, truly praying?

Surrender what is not necessary to rediscover God's purposes for life.   Get needs met in healthy ways.  Be free after surrender to care about others.

Based on Day 4 from Jan Johnson's Surrendering Hunger


Today, I went to a scrapbook event and the kids were with a babysitter.  I was not ready to scrapbook, but had my Grandma's bread pudding and lemon sauce ready to go.   So, I brought thank you notes that needed writing, projects to finish, studying to do.  All the food was delicious, but more than that, the conversation was delicious.  It was uninterrupted.  It was talking for 30 minutes or more without worrying that nothing was getting finished.   It was fellowship and met needs - both for me and those with whom I conversed.

I surrendered to the moment, to the conversations and it was great to care about others.

So much of life as a mother is caring for others, that it's easy to forget to care about them and be a student of their needs.   Tonight, I surrender myself to enjoyment of my family.   To fellowship with them with the same emotion and interest as I did with the women that fed me earlier.